Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Buerhle Bile File: blog 1

Vlad the Impaler: 23 homers, 86 rbis before last night. Fine, he hits anything, we can live with that. By the way, it was a high change-up, but the mythical Vlad hit one that bounced off the ground. He'll hit one pitched anywhere. This HR -- forgiven.

Here's the bile: Rob Quinlin in 149 atbats -- 5 hrs before last night. Yeah, he's worth some pancreatic juices. By the way, it was a high change-up, Buerhle's first mistake, his first hr given up of the night. Maybe Mark forgot his deer stink in the deer perch, and Quinlin smelled him coming.

Jose Molina in 152 atbats -- 2 hrs before last night. This is the aquatic version of yellow mass lodged in the larnyx, and what does my favorite lefty do? Please guess high change-up! Please, don't be a moron, guess it, guess it now!

So 3 high change-ups, three home runs. Sense a pattern yet? Well, the bile only gets thicker.

Pentulimate bile-tastic Buerhle moment of last night described in such phlem-coughing detail elsewhere: 2-out, bases-loaded balk followed by a base-clearing double on the next pitch!

Score: Halos 6, Sox 2. Can you smell it?

I'll try a little Jay-ness and stream-of-consciousness outta-body interview with the Bilemeister...

Biler: So Mark, after losing 6 straight decisions, would you say your career is taking a tailspin?

Buerhle: No, no, no...Anthony Young, my personal hero, had a much longer tailspin.

Biler: Are you trying to match your hero's streak?

Buerhle: Well, Biler, 22 losses in a row is quite an accomplishment so I've got quite a while to go. By the way, did you check out my new official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model BB gun air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time?

Biler: Uh, no Mark. So how do you feel about Ozzie not giving you the hook after the Molina walk to load the bases in the 7th?

Buerhle: Well, Biler, Ozzie told me not to ask Santa for any gifts cuz I might shoot my eye out.

Biler: Huh?...whatever...And the balk, Mark? Was there miscommunication between you and Konerko?

Buerhle: Well, you see Biler, Paulie got his toungue stuck in the infield dirt on a triple dog dare by Tadahito. By the way, Gooch loves America. He rents like 10 movies a night!

Biler: Jesus, Mark, can we talk about baseball? What about the double to Figgins?

Buerhle: Look, I just got a C- on my Theme paper. Do you think I care about a pitch I threw to Chone "how the fuck do you actually spell his name" Figgins?

Biler: Mark, just by chance is your favorite movie "A Christmas Story"?

Buerhle: Hell, no. My favorite movie is "The Matrix"...


Blogger Jeeves said...


I love the "A Christmas Story" references.

I'm going to make a sidebar for the Buehrle Bile File.

And just for future reference, it's spelled B-u-e-h-r-l-e (and I just double checked it)

8/08/2006 4:32 PM  
Blogger Perry said...

You know - I always used to spell his name wrong - so I ended up adding it to the spellchecking widget on our site...

I find myself asking if I am being too hard on him.
Then again, I do remember people chirpin' about how he could only beat the Royals last year... He needs to get out of the slump. Now. Before I start calling him Esteban.

8/08/2006 4:46 PM  
Blogger DickdaStick said...

I like your style - dude !

8/08/2006 6:06 PM  

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