Thursday, September 28, 2006

The Buehrle Bile File Final Post for 2006

The Buehrle Bile File was hoping to go out with a bang, but since the White Sox and Mark Buehrle have decided to skip his turn in the rotation because of today's off day, we'll tearfully say goodbye on the slowest newsday of the season.

Goodbye, Ozzie Guillen. Thanks for all the games manned by a centerfielder named Rob Mackowiak, all the sixth inning meltdowns by starters who lost it, and that bastion of speed, Scotty Pods.

Goodbye, Joey Cora. Your greased wheel of an arm will be missed, especially when I need my car windows cleaned of the snow this winter.

Goodbye, Harold Baines. Let me offer you some reading for the offseason, Speaking for Dummies .

Goodbye, Don Cooper. Maybe it's time to replenish that magic potion you brew up in the off-season. Who knew Matt Thornton would use it all up?

Goodbye, Greg Walker. And don't worry, Juan Uribe can now ignore you from afar.

Goodbye, Kenny Williams. After this season's attendance, those seats really are painted with greenbacks. Maybe Barry Zito or Miguel Tejada (update 10/1/06: name redacted for reasons Jason Grimsley could speak freely about) would like to check them out.

Goodbye, Jerry Reinsdorf. We'll see you in June when the Bulls win their 7th championship!

Goodbye, Count. Can you import some Cubans to pass out amongst your friends, including some of those pitchers from your homeland?

Goodbye, Jon Garland. Don't go all Laguna Beach on us this offseason. Better yet, please bring me Christin Cavalleri, if you can.

Goodbye, Javy Vazquez. Here's hoping you don't have nightmares involving the number 6.

Goodbye, Freddy Garcia. May it be a banner agricultural year for your crops.

Goodbye, Neal Cotts. And don't forget you can always find work as a shoe-shine boy if this pitching thing doesn't work out.

Goodbye, Bobby Jenks. I hope we see more of your pitching and less of your girth next season. Maybe all the free McDonalds wasn't such a good idea.

Goodbye, Mike MacDougal and Matt Thornton. Don't forget the address of US Cellular Field next season. We'll need you.

Goodbye, David Riske, Dustin Hermanson, Charlie Haeger, Boone Logan, and Sean Tracey. Practice your poker faces this offseason. KW is the best bluffer on earth.

Goodbye, B-Mac. And welcome to the rotation.

Goodbye, Jimbo's Lounge. Over the lawyers, thru the court runs, look out eviction, here we come!

Goodbye, Paulie. And don't take the speed thing too seriously. I mean, GIDPs are overrated, right?

Goodbye, Jim Thome. Don't worry about it, going soft happens to every guy once in a while.

Goodbye, Juan Uribe. And say hello for me to your new best friend, Neifi Perez.

Goodbye, Joe Crede & Jermaine Dye. The two classiest acts on the team this season.

Goodbye Ross Gload. Are you and Baines-y neighbors?

Goodbye, Brian Anderson. Hope you get a nice tan in Caracaus. Just stay out of Ozzie's turnip garden.

Goodbye, Absolut Mackozuna. Wasn't as easy as it looked, huh?

Goodbye, Tadahito. Maybe now you can catch up on some sleep this offseason, since sleepwalking was your biggest contribution this year.

Goodbye, AJ. And don't forget to duck.

A special goodbye to Scotty Pods. Say hi to Lisa for me while searching for your balls. We'll always have October 2005.

Goodbye, Jeeves. Make sure you check the mail for my care package of Chaser, sunscreen and powdered soy-milk. Oh, and stay away from the spinach. I hear it'll give you a tummy ache.

Goodbye, DickdaStick. We'll forever have that Sunday afternoon in September. Wait, no we won't. You didn't make it to the Cell that day.

Goodbye, Pander, DT Kelly, Fornelli, etc. And thanks for all the good banter, good banter, good banter.

And last but not least, goodbye, Mark Buehrle. We here at the Buehrle Bile File hope that when hunting, the ducks in the sky are as plentiful as the homeruns you gave up, that your blood-alcohol level remains below your ERA, and that your ATV speed is quicker than your fastball was. We hope your Christmas is as happy as the hitters seeing your high change-up, your Halloween is as scary as your win-loss record, and your Thanksgiving is as joyous as Mark Teahan facing your cutter. You're our inspiration, Mark, and the season would have been unbearable without you. Well, it was unbearable with you, but I quibble.

Will the Buehrle Bile File be back next season? Did Bill Clinton have sexual relations with that intern? If Mark is back, your favorite gastro-intestinal prose will return also.

The Biler is out like IOU sweaters!


Blogger DickdaStick said...

as bad a taste as he leaves...I'm going to miss that biler !

9/28/2006 11:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9/29/2006 1:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

goodbye, chi-sox blog.

wait. is it goodbye until next year or are you guys gonna keep writing about winter sports?

either way, sure have enjoyed reading your pieces.

i'm getting... emotional...

9/29/2006 1:52 AM  
Blogger jamesmnordbergjr said...

Hey, Panger the editor! I hope Fornelli is paying you well.

We're not done as a blog, but we're done as a season. The Biler was strictly saying goodbye for the season since Buehrle isn't pitching again this season.

And we will be back next season. We might post once or twice a week during the off-season, but that's more up to Jeeves.

Stop by more often.

9/29/2006 2:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i will, james. and we still owe you a chucky cheese outing.

(and fornelli pays me in compliments. which means i'm flat broke.)

9/29/2006 3:54 PM  
Blogger Queenie said...

long-time lurker
first-time poster (i think)
love the bile file. i'll miss it!

9/30/2006 8:45 PM  
Blogger jamesmnordbergjr said...

Thanks Queenie. I love lurkers! The Biler will be back next March, Mark Buehrle willing.

10/01/2006 7:41 AM  
Blogger Jeeves said...

I think Queenie is officially our first female post-er! Unless DickdaStick has been hiding something from us.

10/02/2006 12:37 AM  
Blogger jamesmnordbergjr said...

Actually, Jeeves, we got two females here. Panger is one too.

10/02/2006 9:17 AM  

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